I haven’t spoken to you in nearly two years which feels kinda weird I guess because it still sometimes feel like your alive. You would have found out what school you would have gotten in, I think it would have been my school. J would be happy, I think he used to have a little crush on you. He never talks about you, he never cried about you after you died. In some ways, I want to bring it up but I don’t know what he would do or say. Would he just listen, would he cry or would he just smile at your memories.
We were never friends. Like sometimes I found you bossy or I would get a bit jealous of how you would get all the attention. Looking back at it, I was young and didn’t really know how ill you really were. Now I’m missing you, I’ve been missing you all day, more than last year. I’m scared about Monday, I’m scared that the slightest thing that reminds me of you will trigger the memories.
My friends were talking about Star Wars the other day, they’re bringing out another Star Wars movie. It’s like in 2020 but you would still be really excited about it. You were excited about everything, even going to school. I remember everyone giving you a scare when you came through the gates of the school with your headscarf . Once this boy called you boldie and I gave him a right kick up the arse. I didn’t want you to get hurt.
I’m kinda breaking up right now. I’m in my bedroom at the moment, hopefully nobody will hear me crying. I don’t want to seem stupid.
I’ve made some mistakes.. like I missed out on the opportunity of seeing you for the last time. Now, I wished I did.
I remember trying on your wigs even though I was told off for doing so. You just laughed.
My mum used to say that you looked up to me, I think you did. But now writing this, I feel like I’m looking up to you.
I hate the Fault in Our Stars, it seems so unreal. Hollywood- fake. When you have cancer, you don’t look perfect, with perfectly applied makeup on and a amazing boyfriend. I don’t think that’s how it went.
There was one scene that did get to me and that’s when a younger Shailene Woodley was dying and her parents were telling her to let go. It reminded of you so much.
Did you just stay alive on fathers day for your dad? I think that would be the best father’s day gift anyone could ever have, having your dying child live for one more day.
I think I need to stop thinking about you now for today but that doesn’t mean I’ll never forget you.
I’m sending this with all my wishes that you are having a great time up there,
Hideaway Girl xxx