Muddled up and all.

People around me think I have my life all figured out. I hand my homework in time, I go to piano lessons, I help out at this gymnastics club on Saturday mornings and I write a blog daily. People call that organized. In a way, it’s organised..but in my head, it’s all muddled up.

I use to know what I wanted to be. Something in law. But looking at that future, it seems boring and dull. I don’t want to be a lawyer, it’s too normal. Gosh, you probably don’t know what I mean but my head is confusing me.

Let’s start this again.

I’m not organised. I don’t know who I am, I don’t know who I like or dislike, I don’t know who I want to be. I just know I’m not me at the moment. I’ve been making loads of mistakes at the moment.. and I can’t seem to sort them out.

I’ve kinda given up with trying to sort them out.

Because I’m not me at the moment, I’m scared people don’t like the me I am at the moment. I kinda want to scribble over all of this and start on a new page but that is impossible. I’m 14 and I live with my family in a boring small town.

At school, people have been noticing that I change personalities all the time. I’m shy and kind at one minute, then loud and giggly at the next and then moody and upset afterwards.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I have always felt guilty and confused since I was 9. And I’m just freaked out and scared.

I don’t know who I am. Nobody does.

I’m kinda everything..

And people are confused for me and I get mad when people are confused about me.

And that’s how I make mistakes.

I get annoyed and I shout..

Oh Jesus, I need to start being someone.

I’m going to be a more confident person and I’ll try to be nice.

Hideaway Girl xxx

 

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28 Comments

  1. missteryblog

    Literally me at the moment, don’t worry about it. At the end of the day when you grow up you are going to want to be in a career that you are passionate about. You are still young , you might not have found your main passion yet,and that is fine. That is what growing up is. As you grow you will have passions then lose them,you will want things then not. But that is just life,you are not meant to know and that is nothing to worry about. Just keep doing what you love 💙💙

    Liked by 2 people

  2. emily

    Aren’t we all a bit muddled? I’m like that too. It’s like I have two different people living in my body – the Angel and the devil I guess, aha.
    Don’t worry about trying to find who you are just yet. If I have to be honest, finding yourself is an everlasting journey. You might change and turn into another form of yourself as time goes on but that’s normal. You’ll be okay 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

  3. EDMonGOVN

    Don’t worry, I am on the same boat as you! So we are there together. My eyes just pooped out of their sockets when I read this post and realized how similar I am. I am 14, I live in a small boring town as well, where there is nothing but tourists and boring life and hardly any shops! It gets depressing sometimes! You don’t have to be worried! Cuz its entirely normal for a teenager to feel that way! I felt that way too but it all just sorted out on its own. Just take a deep breath and scream- HIDEAWAY GIRL IS THE BEST! I’m kidding! That’s too childish! But chill out, go out for a walk and think about all the things you are worrying about and in ur mind find how you can overcome it and its done!

    Liked by 3 people

  4. streakofcolor

    It’s perfectly fine to feel confused at 14, I’m 16 and I am still confused about my life and who I really am. I can be shy one moment and bold the next, I can’t even predict what I will be like tomorrow, or a week later. You’re not alone at all

    Liked by 1 person

  5. GeorgieGrl

    This might sound stupid but it’s probably just hormones, and they totally suck!
    I can get very like what you said and I have massive mood swings that even I don’t understand myself, the worst one is when it swings and makes you feel really angry for no reason, you literally wanna set fire to everything!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. parisianpages

    i’m always in some kind of mood too . happy one sec and moody the second . but for me that’s just part of being an introvert . i feel drained of energy when i talk to people for too long and then i start being rude .
    i don’t know who i am either because i’m constantly re-creating myself .
    i understand wanting to be sure of your self and who you are but that’s the whole part of being a teen . i don’t think i could ever be one person . i think i’m always going to be different people and that’s me .
    that probably didn’t make sense . but i feel for you

    Liked by 1 person

  7. mileyblitz

    Trust me when I say you sound like the average teen 😂😂 it’s not a bad thing!! This is the best part in life because this is when you explore and discover yourself. I actually also wanted to be in law growing up because everyone always told me I’d be a great lawyer (let’s just say I debated a lot). I took a liking into it but when I got my first real lawyer experience shadowing a state attorney, it was so much work and stress, which I am not good at handling, so I said no way. I’ve always wanted to be, besides lawyer, an actress. People always told me it wasn’t practical. My family is definitely not supportive of it, but in the summer I do go to musical theater programs near by. Since that’s apparently “not practical”, there was writing as a back up because I do love to write. Anything in the writing field is what I’d be open for, journalism, novels, scripts… Then there’s my last option that I’ve never explored or openly admitted before actually. It’s working in a police force. I love to solve dilemmas and complicated situations, so perhaps a detective. I also would love the opportunity to defend civilians, but this is an idea I have never touched on.
    A lot of people around me seem to know what they want to do already. Doctor, surgeon, lawyer, vet, the list goes on. Will all of these people end up doing what they originally wanted? Maybe some, but not all. You know why? Because people change. It’s okay to change your mind about who you are, we all do. You’re discovering yourself and one day you’ll hopefully be confident in who you are and won’t be muddled up in your mind.
    Everyone’s the same way, they just might not show it too. Also, don’t think that just because people say “oh you must be so organized” means that you have to be. Many times people with chronic stress (hi) are told by other people “wow you’re so good in this subject/school” and that can pressure them into always wanted to do well in school or the related field. This isn’t my case but I have seen it with others.
    Wow, I feel like I gave a lot of mixed advice and analogies. I’m sorry and hope this didn’t confuse you, but what can I say? I’m all muddled up too.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. PrivatePublicGirl

    It’s fine! 14 comes wih a lot of package, and I don’t wanna sound like a mom or teacher, but honestly, hormones and stuff, are out of our control! You’ll definitely feel like this for a while because of all of the changes that are happening! But don’t worry! Stay strong and stick to the things that you are certain about and you’ll be safe! And you’ll have time to figure out you career path and bla bla! But first, get through this phase and then things will get more clear! 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  9. vintagesmiles25

    I feel the same at the moment. All of my friends think I’m really organised because I hand in homework on time and remember peoples birthdays but my mind is really chaotic. I also used to know what I wanted to be…a teacher. But now, I’m not sure if I would enjoy it. I’m 14 this year and I have no idea what I want to do with my life either. All I know is that I want to do something that makes me happy and something that makes an impact on the world, even if tiny. I haven’t really found ANY jobs that fit into this specification that I would want to do. Hopefully I will someday. I’m worried that I will get to retiring age and still not have decided what I want to do with my life. So you’re not the only one. Wait, that probably isn’t very comforting is it? Ignore me 😀 x

    Liked by 1 person

  10. crap

    i actually thought i was the only person who’s actually like this
    but wow
    i have the same issue. i have no idea who i wanna be. or what are my aims.
    i change my personality too, and i’m like different with different groups of people. and i don’t even do it on purpose it just happens. from like kindergarten
    you end up questioning who you really are and is it all just pretend ?

    Liked by 1 person

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