People around me think I have my life all figured out. I hand my homework in time, I go to piano lessons, I help out at this gymnastics club on Saturday mornings and I write a blog daily. People call that organized. In a way, it’s organised..but in my head, it’s all muddled up.
I use to know what I wanted to be. Something in law. But looking at that future, it seems boring and dull. I don’t want to be a lawyer, it’s too normal. Gosh, you probably don’t know what I mean but my head is confusing me.
Let’s start this again.
I’m not organised. I don’t know who I am, I don’t know who I like or dislike, I don’t know who I want to be. I just know I’m not me at the moment. I’ve been making loads of mistakes at the moment.. and I can’t seem to sort them out.
I’ve kinda given up with trying to sort them out.
Because I’m not me at the moment, I’m scared people don’t like the me I am at the moment. I kinda want to scribble over all of this and start on a new page but that is impossible. I’m 14 and I live with my family in a boring small town.
At school, people have been noticing that I change personalities all the time. I’m shy and kind at one minute, then loud and giggly at the next and then moody and upset afterwards.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I have always felt guilty and confused since I was 9. And I’m just freaked out and scared.
I don’t know who I am. Nobody does.
I’m kinda everything..
And people are confused for me and I get mad when people are confused about me.
And that’s how I make mistakes.
I get annoyed and I shout..
Oh Jesus, I need to start being someone.
I’m going to be a more confident person and I’ll try to be nice.
Hideaway Girl xxx