Hi,everyone! I don’t think I’ve written a blog post this late but I kinda wanted to go through some stuff. Does anyone have those evenings where you think about everything and you suddenly get anxious and think of what could happen and what you should do and that you keep worrying about it even though you can’t sort it out? Well, I’m having one of those evenings. Like, I know that what I’m thinking is overthinking but I still can’t help it. But tonight, what I’m thinking is actually what has been happening but I just been too busy and trying to take my mind off it all day until now when I’m exhausted and that I should be watching the British Bake-Off.
I’ve distracted myself all day from these thoughts. I’ve done tons of revision (even physics revision and I HATE PHYSICS) to just not end up like here.
I’ve decided to kinda admit to myself that I’m not being the greatest that I can be. Like I’m not being bitchy towards people but I’m just kinda not being happy and well, easy-going. I know that this isn’t my fault and that I shouldn’t blame myself. I pretend to myself that I don’t blame myself but I do, I really do.
I’ve tried to pretend to be happy at school all day and sometimes, I would find myself nearly believing it too but I know, deep inside, that I’m really not. And sometimes I let the happy side of me go on accident and then some people see it but I still pretend that it’s nothing.
I don’t know what’s right or wrong anymore or if I should do something about it or I’m just overreacting. You know? You probably don’t because I’m badly rambling on and not making any sense but let’s just carry on like we do.
The other thing is that people will be like ‘don’t blame yourself for not being happy.’ but the thing is I can’t stop blaming myself because they told me not to. My brain doesn’t work like that.
I blame myself for a lot of things. And a lot of those things I haven’t said to anyone, not even Elle or Carlo, because I feel so guilty about them even though it was a long time ago. And those things that I blame myself for, I have buried in my head for years, are coming back and each day, I feel worse and well, guilty. And I’m not ever going to tell anyone, it can go with me in my grave.
*A car beeps outside my house and I nearly fall off my bed*
Also, I would also like to add that Elle got really annoyed about a grammar mistake in my last post and is now, demanding that she will proof read every post before I publish it. Sorry Elle but my readers will have to bare with me for the mistakes.
Anyway, I will see you lot soon
Hideaway Girl xxx