Whenever I feel crap, I grab my laptop. Go on wordpress, scroll through my favourite bloggers and read. Sometimes I write but I normally don’t publish them as I feel like it isn’t something I want to upload and for you guys to read and well , make your day a little more gloomy.
But today, I need to write to just talk about my crap week with myself and maybe, one of you will just get it and will understand where I’m coming from.
So my week has been long like painfully long. I have exams next week and well, I’ve been revising my arse off for them every night and it’s mentally exhausting. I feel so tired and my brain just turns into mush at the end of the day. Today, I’ve been revising all day even though it’s a Saturday and well, I still feel like I haven’t achieved anything like I’ve been sitting around all day (which I haven’t been, I’ve got back pains because I’ve been over a laptop for hours). I need to get these grades so much; it’s what I’ve been dreaming of since I was 9 and well, even though I revise huge amounts, I don’t get the result that I want. I wish I was one of those people who don’t revise at all and get an A on their math exam. Oh well, one can dream which brings me onto this.
As being mentally exhausted from all the work, my sleep has been hell. I normally get nightmares every night (dark, I know) but these dreams have recently been getting worse and I’ve been waking up at 1 in the morning crying. I literally feel alive and awake in my dream. I make the choices, feel the emotions, know the people and know in real life, where the dream was. When I wake up, it takes 20 minutes to calm myself down and to get to grips that it wasn’t real.
My dreams, this week, have been about terrorism, losing teeth, getting raped, losing someone and running from this huge crowd of people. The dreams literally feel so real like I can’t describe it. The rape dream affected me all day and I couldn’t concentrate in class, I even nearly slapped this girl in this face for being so damn rude. I felt so violated, disgusted and ashamed. I kinda felt like I was being pathetic in feeling like that as it wasn’t real but somehow, it felt like that happened.
I don’t want to think about the dreams. All of them made me wake up crying or for the rape one, scared and panicky all day.
This week has been so crap in other ways and I don’t really know how to feel.
I just feel so upset and tired.
Hideaway Girl xxx