I was having a discussion with a friend this morning after a night of disappointment and upset. We spoke about how I want to just stop. Not die but to just be asleep and skip the world around me for a while. I want to skip the present and jump into the future. I did jump into the future and it made me feel worse. I dreamt of the things that I would do with that one person, our plans after sixth form and what dress I would wear to a wedding. It sounds ridiculous and childish (in fact, I am only a teenager) but I still wondered and kinda made a pretend plan in my head. This blog post is hard to write because it’s admitting to being something that I never wanted to be; a teenage girl who thought her first love would be her only love. You can fall in love at this age, I can agree with that but it’s not going to work out.
I knew at the time of the relationship that we probably won’t be together in a few years time and that it’s stupid to even think about stuff like the future but I still did it. On Sunday, I was having a pillow talk with my oldest mate (11 years of knowing and loeach other) and we spoke about how love can make us stupid. She admitted to making scenes in her head as well and maybe, I’m not the only one.
It’s the one that I regret the most about my relationship; is that I planned way too far ahead. Now, when that day does come up, he will be spending it with someone else and even thinking about that now, it makes me feel very weird and upset.
Even on this blog, I wrote about how I’m not thinking about the future but inside, I was. And I hate to admit it. I want to promise myself that I will never think about the future with someone until they go on one knee. I’m not getting too close to anyone again, it’s the best way for me. The blog posts where I spoke about relationships are here;
Boys have fucking disappointed me these past few weeks. Like putting trust into someone is getting hard for me now. I find it hard to trust people who I’ve trusted so many times before and they’ve never done anything against it but humans can change at any time. When I mean change, I mean being this selfish and cheating creature. However, maybe every human has that selfishness dug deep into them and that at the times, it pours out after so many years being locked bubbling inside. After all, we are animals.
I’ve lost a lot of hope in humankind this year. So many people have disappointed me this year and I’ve learnt some cutting truth in being hurt by people.
It’s not been a great year and I wish I could skip to the future but it’s impossible so I just have to grit my teeth and look out for myself, nobody else.
p.s the q&a is coming soon, probably tomorrow or the day after. I’ve been writing it over a few days so sorry it hasn’t been published yet but I have mocks to revise for 😦 x