pretend plans, don’t make them.

I was having a discussion with a friend this morning after a night of disappointment and upset. We spoke about how I want to just stop. Not die but to just be asleep and skip the world around me for a while. I want to skip the present and jump into the future. I did jump into the future and it made me feel worse. I dreamt of the things that I would do with that one person, our plans after sixth form and what dress I would wear to a  wedding. It sounds ridiculous and childish (in fact, I am only a teenager) but I still wondered and kinda made a pretend plan in my head. This blog post is hard to write because it’s admitting to being something that I never wanted to be; a teenage girl who thought her first love would be her only love. You can fall in love at this age, I can agree with that but it’s not going to work out.

I knew at the time of the relationship that we probably won’t be together in a few years time and that it’s stupid to even think about stuff like the future but I still did it. On Sunday, I was having a pillow talk with my oldest mate (11 years of knowing and loeach other) and we spoke about how love can make us stupid. She admitted to making scenes in her head as well and maybe, I’m not the only one.

It’s the one that I regret the most about my relationship; is that I planned way too far ahead. Now, when that day does come up, he will be spending it with someone else and even thinking about that now, it makes me feel very weird and upset.

Even on this blog, I wrote about how I’m not thinking about the future but inside, I was. And I hate to admit it. I want to promise myself that I will never think about the future with someone until they go on one knee. I’m not getting too close to anyone again, it’s the best way for me. The blog posts where I spoke about relationships are here;

  1. EW RELATIONSHIPS 
  2. I’VE MISSED YOU 
  3. ew relationships??? (a response to EW RELATIONSHIPS)

Boys have fucking disappointed me these past few weeks. Like putting trust into someone is getting hard for me now. I find it hard to trust people who I’ve trusted so many times before and they’ve never done anything against it but humans can change at any time. When I mean change, I mean being this selfish and cheating creature. However, maybe every human has that selfishness dug deep into them and that at the times, it pours out after so many years being locked bubbling inside. After all, we are animals.

I’ve lost a lot of hope in humankind this year. So many people have disappointed me this year and I’ve learnt some cutting truth in being hurt by people.

It’s not been a great year and I wish I could skip to the future but it’s impossible so I just have to grit my teeth and look out for myself, nobody else.

Astrid X

p.s the q&a is coming soon, probably tomorrow or the day after. I’ve been writing it over a few days so sorry it hasn’t been published yet but I have mocks to revise for 😦 x

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13 Comments

  1. Ava📝🦋

    I can totally relate to you! I really am impatient and I want to find love right away (because I am a hopeless romantic and I probably have been writing too many romance stories about my original characters)
    I am not allowed to have a boyfriend or date so I just have to wait till I’m twenty or whatever and I have to court.
    Anyways I just wanted to say, this post was really inspiring, I hope we can maybe chat sometimes and maybe do a collab. Remember to keep on wearing your invisible crown 👑!
    Wishing you a Merry Christmas (filled with toddlers jumping off walls because they ate to many starburst flavoured candy canes)
    Ava 🌸✨👑

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Indy Watson

    I’ve never really thought about this before! (Probably because I’ve never really dated anyone.) I think it’s good of you to talk about this, and especially how you mentioned that mentally you knew the relationship couldn’t last forever yet emotionally you felt like it would.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. KittyJade

    This is powerful, boys are boys. I’m ‘just friends’ with a lot of boys so relationships come and go! When I was young (like 8 or something) I aid to my mum: “I’m never gong to marry, it’s a waste of time.” I was one sassy kid!

    I never really think like this, but it’s one hell of a great way to think. Than you for the post because this was awesome. Happy new year and good luck for mocks,
    Erin

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Cameragirl

    Hi, I totally get you. I am always dreaming up ideas about my perfect boyfriend and how much I love him, when there isn’t even a boy and I’m not even in a relationship. I’m a teen too and it seems ridiculous. But just remember that everyone does these things and you’re not alone. I have also lost faith in boys completely. I used to have a couple of friends that were boys and well I guess they’re still friends but they don’t seem to get anything any more. But people change and move on, it gives us an opportunity to meet new people I guess. Good luck with everything.
    Camera girlxx

    Liked by 2 people

  5. cameragirlblogs

    I totally get you, everything you’ve said makes sense and is normal to everyone. I am exasperated with a boy that I know. He’s just a friend but he lies to me all the time and I know it. I dream up ideas of the perfect boyfriend all the time too. I think it’s normal for even teens to come up with fairytale ideas. I do anyway, so you’re definitely not the only one.

    Good luck with everything,
    Camera Girl xx

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Melina P.

    Dear Astrid,
    I understand totally – but, to be honest, you got a lot farther than I did… I’ve only “known” one-sided love since like 1st grade, and it’s a real pain! You could at least get closer to a guy and figure how they tick. I was either the “secret admireress” or the “sister-type”, the one they talk to or copy homework from.
    I agree with you, because I too got pretty pessimistic last year – I figure it’s just “this time of life” (God, that sounds so pathetic), but really, I’ve talked to a few people, both from school and outside of school, and they all say that being a teenager is just hard, because we’re trying to figure out who we are, etc. My addition to that statement: Boys don’t help in that at all!
    I had a really bad crush last year, and I still think about him a lot, which makes me feel stupid because he only did an exchange year and he was an a**hole… That’s one thing i really hate about relationship business – that I could be attracted to a guy that was gorgeous, but everything else was a zero. When it comes to imagining the future, I do that basically 90% of my life! The thing is, most of the time things turn out to happen TOTALLY different from what you imagined them like, and then the surprise of that makes us feel weird or stupid to have thought what we thought. But that’s ok!
    Now, where I’ve found this out, I try to imagine less of what the outcome might be, and just take it the way it comes. it sounds easier than it is, I know, but I think it’s something one can “train” one’s head to do… ?
    When it comes to looking out for yourself, that’s always a good idea – I’ve invested a lot in different people over the years and the only time I really got something back, was with my best friend in 5th grade. The rest of the time, I feel like people are just so egoistic and also such “click-magnets”, that investing time and good thinking into them is like blowing it out the window…
    What strength we got, we need to use for ourselves and those people that really understand and treasure us. I would say teenage boys, mostly, are neither mature, nor can distinguish enough to be able to do that – they are too interested in their own stuff, or they go for the most obvious display of … charm.

    Ok, I think I could go on for days –

    I really like your blog – keep up the good work and keep your head up!
    I’m sure one day, we will all find someone we can trust and who understands us – but it seems that will only be possible later on in life, not as teenagers…

    Thanks 🙂

    Melina P.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. April

    Astrid,

    I’m a new blogger and I was just scrolling through yours when I saw this. I am so grateful and so happy that I finally found someone and can relate to. I have literally been through exactly what you have been through and I know the feeling. It took me a full year to get over it because I had built this amazing but ridiculous fantasy in my head. I honestly thought I had it all and when he dumped me, i literally felt broken.

    I’m a teenager too (also had mocks at the beginning of January! hope yours went well… wish I could say mine did!:/) and the bit about you wanting to just sleep, not die, and have the world skip around you is the so so SO relatable. I feel like that everyday. I often say that I want eternal sleep and when I voice this to my friends they literally look at me and say ‘like die?’ I couldn’t explain it to them and I can’t tell you how relieved I am that someone else completely understands the feeling.

    I don’t know exactly how you’re feeling but I promise you it does get better. It won’t happen overnight, but it will happen.

    I would really like to talk to you sometime; my contact is below 🙂

    Keep smiling,

    April x

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Harrison Delmenico

    Your exactly right, people do change at random times, people sometimes change to the point that you feel like you don’t know them anymore, this happend with my parents. so i can relate somewhat

    Like

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