About a year ago, I wrote a blog post talking about my anxiety, I think it’s a yearly kinda update for everyone to see my progress and what I’m doing it to improve my tactics to help it. 2017 has stressed me out…big time. Also, it’s been one of my bravest years and the one that is will be the beginning of the progress of settling my anxiety. There’s been a lot of shit in my personal life these couple of months which most of it I haven’t spoken about on my blog because of people I know reading it and also it’s like deeply personal to me. Anyways, having these stressful events happening to me, it’s really hit me which has to lead to a massive rise in panic attacks, episodes and well, I’ve jumped straight back from the progress that I was making. My school noticed that I was getting more tense, angry and well, upset about small things that they recommended me going to the school counselor. Now, when I heard the idea, I was like ‘Oh fucking no’. At school, I mostly hang around guys and being in the boy-dominated group, emotions aren’t what you can talk about. If you do, you will be looked at and be called a pussy basically. However, talking to them individually, they can be really supportive. It’s just not the same emotional connection with girls though. Anyways, so I thought that going to a counselor would make me out to be that stereotypical, overreacting and neurotic girl. Believe me, I don’t want to be that. Although I never believed in that stereotypical girl and most of my guy mates didn’t. One/few individual did and I’ve kicked them out of my life. I do think that some girls are quite emotional and do automatically say it’s anxiety and being sad, is immediately depression and it pisses me off. On the other hand, it may not be their fault because anxiety is talked about so much more in the media now and symptoms for anxiety can be oversimplified sometimes that it leads to them overthinking about it. To be honest, I can’t think of any of my mates who deal with anxiety that overreact and so, I think it’s only a very slim number of girls who do. I’m going to stop talking about this now because I’m scared someone will take it the wrong way and think I’m attacking an individual but I’m not. I would never judge or question someone else’s anxiety. Getting to another point…
My thought changed about going to see someone. My friends around me said that I needed someone to talk to and to find professional help again. My constant panic attacks were putting a strain on my social life and the people around me that it was starting to affect my relationships with people. Also, my anxiety just kept rising and rising until it was so uncontrollable that I seriously felt like I needed help. If you know me in real life, you will know that one of my worst traits is that I don’t like help and I don’t like admitting that I need it. So this was a brave step for me to start going to counselling.
I go once a week to my school counselor for an hour where we discuss situations that have overwhelmed my life or has changed an aspect of my life. Then, we find options for ways for me to deal with them. I’ve been going since October and already I have learned a valuable lesson which is that I can’t solve all situations but I can find ways to help cope with them and to put my anxiety into something else. I’m not better yet and my anxiety is probably always going to be an element in my life. However, I’ve had anxiety since I was 11 years old (I’ve had it for 5 years) and so, it is going to be a long process for me to be able to learn to settle it and to make bearable for me.
We haven’t really touched on the methods yet on how to reduce it but I think what my counselor is trying to do is to build a professional trust between us and for me, to be able to tell her things without the feeling that I’m going to be judged. Before I began counselling again, I thought to myself ‘why would I want to speak to a stranger about my problems’ but it’s having that boundary and not having to see them all the time, is where I’m able to talk and be like I have a choice in what I want to do in that session. I think having control in the session to an extent makes me feel comfortable with my counselor and that I don’t have to discuss anything that I don’t want to.
My mum and me have discussed about future options to go to my local GP and look back into CAMHs. This is an ongoing process for me and I wouldn’t have written it if I didn’t know there were people with the same stuckness as me now. I’ve come a long way since January last year where I thought I was being stupid and overreacting to a point where I’ve admitted that I’m not and that I need help.
However, I still hate myself for my anxiety sometimes. BUT I KNOW I SHOULDN’T and I would tell anyone who hates themselves for their mental health issues that they shouldn’t but it’s a long process to accept yourself and your issues and that’s okay.
Anyways, I hoped this has made a few of you out there not feel as alone in the situation or maybe made some of you aware that anxiety isn’t a ‘silly’ thing and that we can’t help it. I think the people, who do call it overreacting and various insults, should keep their mouths shut and mind their own problems. I’m very thankful to have my blog to be able to write and express how I feel on here so thank you for supporting me and always writing such lovely comments 🙂
p.s. I’m always here to email: firstname.lastname@example.org